When I first faced a death close to me, I was crushed. This was my Grand Aunt Agnes, whom I’m named after. She was very old and we saw it coming, but at 14, I couldn’t get over like the adults. I didn’t like that her long wonderful life was over.

Shortly after that, my grandfather died too. I couldn’t save him with CPR. I was glad I couldn’t. I only did it because my grandmother cried “do something”, and I knew how. But this was his third heart attack and I knew he wanted to go. He had already told me it was time. “Honey, I love you. You’ve always been right here helping us. Always. I want you to know you’ve made the end of my life the best of my life.”

I had a best friend who soon lost her dear grandmother, who she loved very much. She had devoted a much of her youth to her with a gracious spirit. She took the death hard. I could see the ache in her chest.

But then I said to her “You made the end of her life the best of her life”.

And it was like sun came down on her. She weighed less at her heart.

There was a clear turning point for her right then, though we couldn’t see how dramatic it was right away.

Make sure your words are from your heart. No really, do NOT doubt yourself.

We all do it, but please hear this; we only doubt and redoubt because it is such a meaningful time. But, if you could step back and hear what you’re thinking of saying from an outside perspective, it IS right.

I want you to picture yourself and the person you most want to console side by side among millions of people. The biggest sea of people you can envision. Now all those strangers giving your loved one condolences.

They wouldn’t have a clue! The natural words you are rolling around in your head, are there because you know details about these people. And they have certain expectations of you.

Hearing some canned unusual version of a sympathy card come out of your mouth isn’t what they need. They need you. Regular old you.

Add to this some errands in the days after their loss. And by all means I strongly endorse the couple items I refer to on the Sister Journal linked above.

Bless and be Blessed