Do not Stand at my grave and weep

This poem which we chose for my dear young brother in law’s prayer card has been quite comforting and uplifting to many in grief:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond’s gift of snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the Autumn’s gentle rain

When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die

His children especially embraced this, and you could see they felt less overwhelmed by such a complete loss. Their grief was eased by feeling he was around them.

The tactile, tangible references were the particular touch points they could relate to.

But every adult had the same exact response.

More on this resource

Sympathy quotes and reassuring a child in grief

Watch this video, and then be sure to come back and see the next one…

The original Poem: Don’t stand at my grave and weep…

Now in a short video

“Agnes say something”

“Agnes say something”.

Huh? What do you mean carol?

“You helped me before, and you always say things at these times that really help.”

But this is your Mom who is mourning her brother. You must deal with it, and learn to say and do the most helpful things.

“But I don’t know how”

Yes you do. It is how you look at it.

You have to ’see’ in the emotional and the logical, to operate in the truly helpful.

I mean watch the person who is grieving. Listen to them. Out of all the things they could be saying whatsoever, where are they at? What is the overwhelming theme in their mourning?

“I can’t do all this without him” -?

“I need more time with her”-?

“I feel so alone”-?

To really send the right message of your sympathy, you have to feel what they are for a moment. And if you’re mourning the same person, this makes it even easier for you.

In fact the most cathartic, healing action you can take is to take action.

As humans we are innately programmed to ‘fix’ things that are broken.

My grandmother took me by the hand and showed me how we brought piles of food and gifts and labor to every neighbor and relative and friend in mourning.

She spent more on gifts for surviving family members in grief, than she did at Christmastime.

When she didn’t have the health and energy do really give a labor of love, she would send me with an expensive gift. Usually a physical, visual reminder of the deceased. She didn’t have much money, and the recipients knew that.

I remember taking a picture she had blown up, (someone did the errand for her since she never drove a car once). This picture was mounted in a Sterling silver frame.

Why?

Because this friend FELT that my grandmother, indeed our whole family, must really ‘get it’ ,what a loss this was. Of course it was worst to them. But forever they knew we understood.
Showing the solidarity was the key.

And it is a slightly different world now. We’re all busier than a retired grandmother.

Sometimes a lasting gift, or gift of understanding shows the bereaved that you really care.

At this other journal I started, (where my friends have their network),

I wrote some of the things I’ve given that had a wonderful impact.

Please come see my third post in that “blog”. It should be on top now.

I really hope the ideas bless you as they have so many others.

Sister journal

Because what you say and do now, matters forever…

When I first faced a death close to me, I was crushed. This was my Grand Aunt Agnes, whom I’m named after. She was very old and we saw it coming, but at 14, I couldn’t get over like the adults. I didn’t like that her long wonderful life was over.

Shortly after that, my grandfather died too. I couldn’t save him with CPR. I was glad I couldn’t. I only did it because my grandmother cried “do something”, and I knew how. But this was his third heart attack and I knew he wanted to go. He had already told me it was time. “Honey, I love you. You’ve always been right here helping us. Always. I want you to know you’ve made the end of my life the best of my life.”

I had a best friend who soon lost her dear grandmother, who she loved very much. She had devoted a much of her youth to her with a gracious spirit. She took the death hard. I could see the ache in her chest.

But then I said to her “You made the end of her life the best of her life”.

And it was like sun came down on her. She weighed less at her heart.

There was a clear turning point for her right then, though we couldn’t see how dramatic it was right away.

Make sure your words are from your heart. No really, do NOT doubt yourself.

We all do it, but please hear this; we only doubt and redoubt because it is such a meaningful time. But, if you could step back and hear what you’re thinking of saying from an outside perspective, it IS right.

I want you to picture yourself and the person you most want to console side by side among millions of people. The biggest sea of people you can envision. Now all those strangers giving your loved one condolences.

They wouldn’t have a clue! The natural words you are rolling around in your head, are there because you know details about these people. And they have certain expectations of you.

Hearing some canned unusual version of a sympathy card come out of your mouth isn’t what they need. They need you. Regular old you.

Add to this some errands in the days after their loss. And by all means I strongly endorse the couple items I refer to on the Sister Journal linked above.

Bless and be Blessed